And u thought u were weak

Some things in life just refuse to change

Or maybe we dont try hard enough to change

Maybe we dont want to let go and initiate a change

A change is hard

and sometime one challenges its validity 

and the nuisance that could be avoided

You then start doubting your own intents

the authenticity of the need for change

you feel trouble

but u dont address it for these reason

and soon u just crib and do nothing

and eventually you dont even crib, u just accept

But is it a cause lost

were u weak

were u suppossed to have fought the grim battle

should u have stood up to the challenge

Strength is not in always creating a big fight 

and creating a cause for the sake of undertaking a challenge

Strength is also in analysing the right cause

and trying to cope up with it

Not because u are timid

but because u are mature enough to evaluate and have the strength to do so

You should never give up

never give up on yourself

just figure things out

your way

Don't drive through life by looking in the rear view mirror

Said a friend today. And it got me thinking. Often I have been in that trap, trivializing my current potential by past experiences.

A resolution for 2009.

Ego and the divide

I have come across significant ego conflicts in my dealings with people.

The conflicts outside the family impact little. Someone trying to park his car in the same spot that I was vying for and an argument that ensues where none want to back out, is a minor conflict of ego. Doesn't harm, except a bout of anger and translates to a day's gossip with well wishers.

Conflicts with a boss cost dearly. It could cost you the next promotion, cost u an entitled coveted tittle of some sorts or a well deserved praise. You might be right and yet the forces work against you to proved you wrong. You are duped. But the good news is you have a choice. A choice of a change. Harms grossly, triggers unwanted stress and translates to superficial changes (a change of job,profile, location) for a while.

Conflict with family. That one is interesting. An extended relative and what he thinks matters little to none, yet it can have it's own majorly stressful consequences when allowed to translate incorrectly to represent your position. Harms momentarily a social image, causes stress and translates to a family feud of some sorts.

Conflict with parents or siblings is phenomenally heart breaking. Its a conflict of belief systems, anger of being misunderstood by your own and results in a temporary rebellion to do your own thing in life. Yet a family is one concept you come around with eventually. At the end of the day, you would need them more than anyone else and they would be there to support your cause irrespective. Yet the rebellions cause immense drain of energy and sometimes decisions that cost u a lifetime.

Conflict with a loved one, your other half. If you are in a relationship, depending on whether he/she is a friend or a fiancee, depending on how serious you are about your feelings and relationships, these things take forever to heal. Maybe if u have a face to face battle to clear things out openly, there are chances you will heal eventually. If you haven't done that, you are doomed for quite a while, undergoing cyclical up and downs ; love and hate; want and confused times. If you are married and separated, things take forever. Its the hardest form of conflict and separation.

Conflict with your kids. Multiple types of conflicts start from the time they are born till the time they grow up through school , university, girlfriends, family and mid age. Probably after that they align with you in the cycle of interpreting and reacting to conflicts.

So yes conflicts exist for everyone. All types, ages, sex, colour, intensity.

What is the best way to deal with conflict ? Irrespective , my two cents:

1. Be interested in resolving the conflict in your best interest and with your best intentions. For which you obviously have to interpret your interest and pay attention to your need to resolve it.
2. Intentions are conveyed very easily with small Lil actions and given away as easily too. Other people read and interpret intentions through what u do and don't say. Hence if you have decided on your intention, its gonna get communicated either way, no matter what.
3. If you care for the other party involved, never let ego ruin and grow the divide. You would be hit just as bad if it happens. Remember you are involved and you care, your ego is your own enemy.
4. Learn to manipulate and interpret your ego. Its a friend when u deal with your enemy and need to be guarded. Its an enemy when u deal with your own. It harms your cause more than it helps it.
5. Be honest to yourself about what u want from the situation. So analyse honestly. And act accordingly. Most times honest ways are hard ways. It does not mean sacrifice and suffer. That is stupid. There is no such thing as sacrifice. Sacrifice is a way to excuse yourself on the pretext of morality. It yet says ' you are confused ' or 'you didn't truly want it'
6. Human mind manipulates and is capable of self defense in any form. Control the righteousness of the response, be human, be brave, be honest, be righteous but be righteously selfish. Don't harm and fool anyone. Don't fool yourself.

Work n Life balance

Guess i need some training there.

Miss my baby so much. Am at work in Mexico. Wonder why for now....

Lil A has strep throat and is staying in toronto with my aunt. I could have surely avoided the travel. Just thought it work out by dropping him 'nani house' and maybe it is working out. But just that I dont feel up to it.

Work is work at the end of the day.

When tears flow non stop, u know its someone near

So many thoughts are crossing my mind.... but in a nutshell I just realized two things :

1. People who are closet to us, are often the ones who hurt us the most
2. Try as much as they like, people we don't care about, cannot hurt us. They could bother us or irritate us, but not hurt us

Ironical. Hurt is self inflicted therefore.

Today is it.... I mean.... I am so hurt that I actually feel a sharp deep pain. And I realized it come from someone I truly love.

So many thoughts are crossing my mind....yet again two things:

1. You can never hurt back the people you love, no matter how much they hurt you
2. Yet they continue to hurt you, because they might not love you. General concern is not love.

Ironical. You love irrespective, someone you want too. And yet someone could do all they could to please you, and you dont see it, because its someone you dont want.

So many thoughts cross my mind.

Often wondered

And then i read it :

"Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value... it's human nature."

Love requires us to be available for someone, unconditionally , open and all there. And yet, when one is, one is just taken so for granted that after a point maybe he/she doesn't really excite or evoke a strong passion.

Wierd like so much that is logic, is eventually wierd.

I would hate to do this to someone. Yet I have experienced it twice and done it once myself. Shucks how very wierd. This cannot be the rule. It has to change. JUST a belief... that anything that is wrong cannot sustain. No incorrect behavior or emotion is justified and can be sustained.

I normally don't let such statements that read a general conduct, change my belief.

I would rather say :

"Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice... we eventually get so used to them that we intrinsically need them... it's human nature. They are invaluable ."

Friday evenings

I have finally realized that the way you treat and look forward to your Friday evenings is a peep into your life.

My 100th Post and most insightful

I logged in to write about a poignant incident and i wanted it logged. Only to realize it was my 100th post to this blog and I guess the most culminating in nature.

I use a hairdresser's services every week. A young 22 year old American lady. I just met with her Last week and was due to meet her this weekend again. I received a call to say “Deepti, we have scheduled your service with Crystal, as Nina unfortunately no longer works with us.”

Why is this so significant ?

Nina had a complete wipe out while driving on the highway about a month back. She has since been under medication and diagnosis. She has been trying to remain peppy ever since but last week when I met her I knew she was worried about her medical results.

Maybe something fatal had happened.

To a hair salon, she was immediately replaceable with Crystal.

Struck me. How many of us, including me, spend hours worrying about work, working our lives around our work. Only to realize how dispensable we are at work. It’s so much about a commodity today. A service, a face, not the person.

I felt utterly sad. Before most of us develop a habit of this patter… a pattern of believing is more gratification more work , being disturbed by the politics around it and getting sucked in the race for it, we need to realize….

I just suddenly want to note the word ‘indispensable’ only for my family.

I am really touched.

A musician's life

I needed to capture this. So i took the pains for this laptop to boot up, took forever. I waited to sign into the remote login and yet again waited to login. A long 10 minute process to capture a 30 minute experience, but so enriching and invigorating.

I had come back from a long day at work. Another normal day. A decent dinner followed. A hot cup of freshly brewed Starbucks coffee. And yet I am not amused. Bored. Disinterested. Sit down with my book. I am apparently preparing for a CISA certification, which is 10 days away. And today is yet not the second time I have opened the book to prepare :)) That's me... last minute. What kind of a role model will I be...


But anyways ....


So I sit down, cool summer breeze, long summer days, with the sun still nice and bright at 8 pm. I am lounging on my patio when I hear a beautiful symphony. That is my neighbor practicing her violin. She plays at the orchestra, is teaching students and yet has a rigorous daily routine of practicing the violin everyday. I hear her often, a remote tune, a distant story. But today was different. I felt melancholy and was very intrigued.


I just got up from my patio, walked over barefoot into her adjoining patio and just tapped at her window. Her concentration was disturbed for a brief instance. In fact , she was shocked at the sudden interference. She slid the door open, smiled at me, let me in and continued to play. I positioned myself in a huge Lazyboy with my big fat book, a cup of coffee, a wink at her and sat listening.

Beautiful symphony. A half hour of blissful music. Such peaceful moments. As if, a life apart. A different world. It was so beautiful. A profound introspection followed, as she played...of her discipline, her lonely existence, a peaceful demeanor and strong will. As she continued to play, reading the notes, I noticed the intense concentration and passion of an artist. Lots more than what I could write. Of a human spirit, the beauty of music, of independence, of profound need for survival, of a competitive spirit, a different race unlike the corporate rat race, the beauty of a women, the love of an artist, the peace in music.


We got talking for a brief 5 minute and I told her how invigorating the music felt.


She said, "For the audience it is relaxation, but for an artist it is intense concentration."


And then she got talking. She has playing since the age of seven. Nearing 40,she still practices atleast 5 hours a day. Today she had practiced for 8 hours. She is preparing to join an orchestra full time and that would be substantial income. Currently, a mere $ 35K is her annual income. Artists are so grossly underpaid.

She talked. How one position opens up in like 4 years, when a musician might retire. How competitive. For that one position, how 200 candidates appear. And then how a 10 minute backstage performance determines their fate for the next 40 years in some cases. Like a clarinet player is just one player in an orchestra and could hold that position for 40 years. In those 40 years, a new position would not open up. So basically, a generation may become old, a seven year old could become 47 and then a clarinet position may open up. Since the orchestra may not take a player at 47, there could a situation when the artist practiced a lifetime of clarinet but never became a part of an orchestra!!!


It seemed a different life.

No parity. A life of discipline and passion, quite like a sportsman. That is why artists are so different from us. She talks with her music. She thinks i am very smart to be able to construct sentences and converse fluently. She is shut out to a conversation 8 hours a day while she practices. Oops ! that never occured to me.

A different life of a life that lives next to me. Just a wall separates her house from mine but her world is another planet.

I came back cognizant of how each life is a different story, waiting to be told and understood. An interaction with an artist is always about passion.

Mathew Kelley

I heard Mathew Kelley at a conference. A very emphatic speaker with one very simple concept.

To summarize:

• We can choose to live our lives in two mode - low energy and high energy. And we have this choice in every moment of our lives.
• Only a person who points out your mistakes and helps you grow in life is a true friend. A friend therefore helps you live your life better.
• Live your dreams. The passion that is evoked by dreams is a very strong motivation and energizing concept.
• Write down 100 dreams u want to live.
• We are the books that we read.
• Organizations that help their employees reach their dreams , are the organizations that retain their people

Courage

Courage dosen't always roar.

Sometimes , it is the little voice at the end of the day that says I will try again tomorrow.

- Mary Anne Radmacher

Selfeless acts of love

Sometimes selfless acts of love, no matter however selfless, seek acknowledgement. A deep hearted true understanding and empathy. Just an understandng. Yet sometimes that is so hard to get.

For a minute...

I was running the Balance sheet for 2007 and by mistake i happened to type in 2047 into the query...

And for a minute... I was blank... what will life be in 2047, where will I be, where will life guide me.

A realisation that i genuinely did not know, could not vividly picture it and it made me stop dead.

A blank and a stare

sometimes when you really don't know

but I guess it's more

when you yourself are not sure or planned

Is it really easy to know

what you want from life

Probablly yes,

just that we don't give it enough time

we rather spend that time running reports in office and thinking about their output

than ours!

Not good...

A retirement farewell

A two hour party full of people, songs, food, dessert and a 10 minute acknowledgement for 40 years of work in the company. I have never felt so many mixed emotions at an event that doesn't really involve me. I am an external consultant to this company but I genuinely am very fond of this old man named Dennis.

As he handed over his digital camera to me to click and keep forever his treasure of acknowledgement, camaraderie, belonging, warm smiles, tears brimming, I was so touched. I wanted to make sure I got it all right for him.

I : Dennis, I have clicked 100s of pictures. You will have a hard time sorting these.

He : Don't worry girl, I have a lot of time now. No more Sunday evenings to worry about.

His face was all red, his blue eyes lacked a sparkle as he sat with his head bent down, listening to his manager speak fondly of him to the audience. There were more retirees, passing warm comments on each other, the times when they came into office as young 19 years olds, looking no less than a Mil Gibson, they joked about days when "his hair were still blond", " She looked all dolled up", as they warmly hugged and shook hands.

19 to 60 years... a journey through life .... with people who are not your family but have seen you grow from young adults to wise old men with white beards and beer bellies, in your best and worst show off moments. Whom you have helped, talked about your newborn to his newborn, and I was choked with emotions, realisations, warm feelings and a realisation that my day will be here soon and I would be reflecting about life like this and that everything that runs through me today, will look so trivial 30 years down the line.

Life runs by very fast. Like Dennis told me, " It is still one minute at a time, and a minute is as long as it is, but then you look and suddenly so many minutes underway, while you were busy in daily stuff. Partying, working, seeing you kids grow up, between basketball games, swimming lessons and baseball. And suddenly you are old... so fast. It looks like yesterday."

And I look at his happy old man, looking forward to a new season fishing , hunting, braiing, taking his grand kids out for an afternoon, and I am filled with so many emotions.

• - A life well lived
• - A family lovingly built
• - A lifetime that goes away in a snap
• - Your little investment on the way
• - And you are then suddenly not there

Life is so quantifiable in so many ways. And more than anything else, its the people that touched it in your journey, that shape it.

I am very emotional.

Something I really need to build in my kids

Today morning I was late for work again... The normal office hours in USA can be described as 8 to 4:30. And I am normally running late. Why?? If you really want to know, this is why:

1. I am hanging around on the net late night too. So I sleep late.
2. Hence I do not wake up on time.
3. Hence I do not leave home on time.
4. Therefore my son is not dropped off at the daycare for breakfast
5. And I am late for work.

I know It is incredibly irresponsible behavior. But it is not the irresponsible angle that troubles me. It is the lack of self discipline or giving the right thing importance at the right time element.

My mom has been saying this to me ever since I was a kid. That time I use to get my sister late and my school friend late. We used to be the last ones running, hoping to make it through the gates before the guard could close them, with the school bell ringing in the background. Gosh I don't know how my sister coped up with me. And my friend. They must have been delayed by me almost every single day for 7 years.

And now the cycle has been repeating at work. Nearly every single day for one year. :))

So essentially I find myself in a dire need of improvement here. Do not read this as an indication that all I want to do is start to come to work early. That is a requirement out of me. Requirements do not normally bother me until I allow them too. I allow them when... I start to see something as important and still I don't see myself act on it. That is when it starts to bother me. There are things important to the world in general, but I do not rake too much about them, simply because they were never my priority. That explains why getting late for school continued for 7 years. I just wanted to be in sharp 7:45am when the bell rang. My sister and friend always fought with me, every single day, because their priority was 7:40 am.

Conflicts with self and others start with difference in priorities. The essential element is.... defining priority. If you want to read insightful philosophy... you must know it normally sounds intelligent when it reads this confused. Hence for your benefit, Nutshell Advise ... must learn to do what I think is important at that point in time and not postphone it or just deliberate on it.. Congratilations on yuour first lession.

Reality check : I don't give it enough importance, otherwise I would take stock. To make time for my stuff, sometime , at a time before it affects me adversely.

Clue that is effects me now: Getting late at work , works me up. I hate it. It's not getting late...as in the act. It is the effect the act has one me , that is the key to unhappiness.

Like maybe so many things we do in life. We know we shouldn't and yet we do. Or we don't find a solution for them and hence we just go on doing them aimlessly and thoughtlessly. Hoping things will correct over time. But reality is they never do and never will until we decide that this is how we want it. It is our life and nothing about it is trivial. All small things build up. The end result is either perfect or chaos or just getting there. So I guess, one thing I want to pass on to my kids very strongly.... Many small things done for the moment eventually build up. They become reality. The moment you notice that happen, immediately take stock. Every action has a repercussion and you decide if you can make it favourable or aimlessly relent futile.

From a very interesting Blog i read

A lady from Karachi. Just the name sounds very exotic. She writes very well and brings in a new perspective of the modern generation in Pakistan.... very impressive and hip. I am really intrigued.

She wrote a very interesting concept, ripe enough to take my fancy:

"There are 3 types of love :

• The One time love - The guy who makes you dream, cry, love and makes you believe the coming 10 years will pass off in a blink.
• The seasonal love - The guy who comes into your life for a reason. Brings lots of happiness and then goes away as suddenly, by that time you have matured enough to let him go for his happiness.
• The lifetime love - The guy from whom you learn a lot in life and who sews it all together, gives you direction and helps you give back to the world, what you learnt from him"

Very interesting....I am offering a generic take on each type, not on the lady who wrote it mind you but for any girl who reads and identifies with it, because it actually sounds a very likely experience:

• The One time love - My take - Sounds like first love
• The seasonal love - My take - Sounds like true love but the one who never really loved you back enough
• The lifetime love - My take - He loves you. I don't read love the other way around. Plain respect, admiration and gratefulness.

Never loose touch with your past, it's your best teacher

Grown up a wee bit at 32, I realise how important it is to keep touching base with yourself and your past. It is a good teacher and a very wise one. And then it has seen you grow from your naive innocent self to the mature professional house-maker adult you have metamorphosised to, as a natural transition.

The images as they flash through my mind, my true feelings, one stage to the other, they are my biggest teachers... of my strengths, weaknesses, failings and accomplishments in life. Sometimes they leave me shaky, sometimes convinced, but all in the waking knowledge that I am informed of consequences and backups to my feelings and actions.

There is something about sitting late all by yourself and blogging

It's distinctly the most peaceful and introspective part of my day. it's 12:10 am on a Tuesday morning. I just got done with my getting the house in order, my dishwasher is swish swishy with the dishes underway, the kitchen looks clean, the night lamp is on and it's my time. The time of the day when i just want to sit and reflect on the day, the people that made it what it is and everything around me that governs my life everyday. And I realise it is so important to reflect on it, every single day.

So much to be said about Life, the infinite potential, the vibes one can create and receive, the direction one could lend to ones dissipated energies... in just these quite minutes of introspection. The quite minutes when you are grateful for what you have, worried about what you don't, willing to provide for what you desire, dreams that shape up in the dim candle lights, anxiousness at each day running past and yet hope... of a lifetime.

As I always say, there is something about keying away unstoppable on the laptop...

As words shape up and letters are formed

It's me , my world and my inner mind

The power to deduce and infer my priorities in life

And channelise my energies towards meeting what is truly the essence of my existence.

Sometimes it take a lifetime to figure out what you want from life

And sometimes a lifetime to get what you want

either way it's a start in the right direction

As words shape up and letters are formed.

Friendship

Never known anyone like you (Except myself, LOL!!!!)

... you are out of the books.

Life is fun with a man named Dennis

The man in perspective is Dennis. A rolly-polly German , quite in appearance like Santa ( read Santa Claus not Santa and Banta!!). The same grandfatherly image, infectious laughter, red glowing cheeks, ageing greyish hair, Big built, his belt riding just below his belly to define an even bigger circumference, round glass-rimed spectacles to round-off the roundness !!! His legs have been concaving a bit lately. But he is adorable, his laughter is loud and infectious and he comes across as a clean, happy, content guy who loves his beer, steak ,food and Polish wife.

Dennis married when he was 20 and his wife 17. Today they are grandparents to 6 grandkids, such adorable munchkins. You really need to see the pic of he and wife, playing and fooling around with the little cubs, adorn the wall of his cubicle. There are other pics that display this man's zest in life. There is the picture of his red toy car, a buick convertible that is equally well fed and glowing. The baby is his summer love. Right now its been packed off to hibernation, less the old lady gets too cold with the wind chill. There are a couple of potted plants that offset the view of the city's skyline from the glass panes of his cubicle. They are well attended to... watered, manured, trimmed. Lest i forget an inviting round coffee table, neatly set, when u want to just drop by to say a 'hello' or reap a few moments of soltitude in the mad backdrop of office hours. You would go back happy to be alive while Dennis deludes you with hilarious stories on matters close to his heart, namely buck hunting, barbequeing, cooking his family a meal, catching up with grandkids in Disneyland, turning away and disowning his grandkids at the movies when they decide to steal popcorns from the guy in the next row, his 'A- track' collection and how they could have been auctioned today had his wife not decided to junk them from the attic before they found their way to eBay. And its endless, And it is infectious....You go back feeling , I wish I would look and feel as happy and full of life when i am 65.